restored

hari ni, keyakinan atas prinsip terasa spt di restored kan semula...maka, sy akan terus berbuat baik selagi yang mampu kepada mereka disekeliling sy, dan akan cuba menjaga mereka2 ini...wlupun mereka terus membalas dgn tahi, tapi tak mengapa..Tuhan itu Maha Adil...sy masih percaya apa yg sy percaya...wlupun beberapa kali kepercayaaan itu goyah, dan beberapa kali juga terasa spt nk cakap, fuck off la u guys...

terima kasih si penglipurlara...terima kasih my besties...terima kasih fan yg sentiasa memberi keyakinan utk get rid of those people yg keep bringing me down...terima kasih noa dan naz..yg sentiasa ada mendengar keluh kesah sy selama ni...terima kasih mekbi yg sentiasa menjadi tempat paling selamat utk sy menangis...sy bersyukur...di permudahkan juga akhirnya...

sabtu lepas berbuka puasa dgn kesayangans..bertujuh semuanye termasuk baby uzma...makan kat istana bambu..makanan so so sahaja, tp i loooovveee the ambiance..duduk makan bersila atas lantai buluh..yela, dah nama pun istana bambu kan...baby uzma was being such a darling..takde merengek2 sikit pun..owh, and she's 8 months old...

selesai makan dan berborak, tibalah masa yg ditunggu...sesi membuka parcel belian barangan scr online...

bungkusan dah macam khemah dah..

giler shopping online,,

well, mama tertinggal one of my order..sighhhh...

then oleh kerana sudah lama tidak cukup korum begini, mula berkira2 nak buat apa seterusnya..memula nak tengok movie, tp agak slow la 3G kat situ nak book cinema..then we decided pergi sing K aje..kami terus ke wangsa walk...the nearest..bernasib baik ade available room..masa tu kul 10pm rasanye...then the cashier tu tanya nak berapa jam, we look at each other, and agreed, 2 jam sahaja..soooo unlike us...selalu 3 jam kot..well, definisi selalu tu adalah ntah berapa tahun lepas..i think the last time kitorang sing k sama2 about 2 years ago..masa tu balik kenduri tunang ana, mamanye uzma..see..uzma dah 8 bulan baru kami pergi lagi..

again, uzma dgn prestasi tinggi, tidak merengek dan tertido sj kat pangkuan mamanye...dan kami...walaupun kelihatan beria2, namun hanya menyanyi sambil duduk shaja..dan sy, separa berbaring...nak menghabiskan 2 jam tu terasa like forever...sighhh...ape jadi pada kami ni???makan buffet buka puasa pun tak semeriah dulu...rasanye tahun lepas dan sebelum2nye, diorang kene clearkan meja kami few times sebab makan terlalu banyak...haihhh...tuanye terasa diri..

selesai sesi sing k, dah pukul 12 lebih...ana dan uzma minta diri balik dulu..ana kata, ana ada suami...korang have fun, jaga diri baik2... *tersentuh* selepas sesi berpeluk2, ana pun balik...

dan kami terus meneruskan upacara ritual kami, pergi makan nasi lemak ayam goreng kat mali's corner..sampai2, masing2 duk termenung.rs mcm ape ntah...masa tu dah kul 1 lebih...dekat 10 minit baru la bangun membeli makanan...benda ni, nasik lemak ni bersama teh ais ni dah makan vitamin for us utk beberapa tahun ni...

ni kira dah siap makan...TAK HABISSSS...ini adalah rare..terlalu rare..selalu kami siap order extra set utk dikongsi beramai2 on top of each meal per person...dan mengambil nasi lemak ini adalah perlu beberapa kali dalam sebulan sebelum ni secara beramai2...tapi i just cant remember when was the last time we had this...maka, mula la masing2 buat post mortem ape yg sedang berlaku pada kami semua...

dan konklusinya...kami sudah berumur......haaiihhh....

pape pun, it was a lovely evening, well spent with kesayangans...terasa recharge balik rasa kosong dalam hati...sudah rindu pada mereka semua...walaupun tanpa henti berchat in our group chat... :)

Sy dan fan juga bersama colleagues yg lain adalah spt aur dgn tebing bila bicara soal perempuan...saling menyokong satu sama lain wlupun ada antara kami yg dah kawin n ada anak pun....

Kisahnye,....

Kerja sy ni..setiap kali ade kes/project kami akan appoint external lawyer to perform legal due diligence..so my 1st project, the lawyer was super slow and banyak songeh...then i told my internal legal dept who directly deal with these lawyers that i dont want to use them anymore...so, my next 2 projects, they appoint different lawyer...and again sy tak puas hati..in terms of quality of their report, i am okay..cuma si partner ni mempunyai hobi utk sampai lambat ke meeting fashionably tanpa early notice to me...dah la lambat, she doesnt look like a lawyer pun..with her out of bed hair, and her associates pun nampak nerd gile...seksa mata den memandang..

So i rejected this firm and use another firm for my other project..

Then kelmarin, fan ada meeting for his project together with the same lawyer i rejected...then lepas meeting tu fan kelihatan berbunga2 dan senyum tersipu2...so sy dgn kepochi pun of kos la nak tau...

Which happen, the lawyer brought another associate...and she was HOT!!!! Kata fan dgn berhemah..

Sepantas kilat sy googled this lady..damn..she is...dh mula menyesal rejecting this firm...adakah melampau jika sy request nk firm ni semula for my next project? Adakah berbaloi menjilat balik ludah demi gadis yg hot?well,.....so far tak pernah hook up dgn lawyer...sooo...uurrrmmm....siiigghhhh....

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terima kasih si penglipurlara....utk bahu u....dan utk bedtime story itu...dan utk dinner malam tadi...dan utk senyuman ini....terima kasih...

dan ye, seperti someone tu cakap, nothing is permanent...mcm hickey..dan air yang tenang itu adalah sekejap sahaja...dan datang la ribut taufan, menggoncang hati...sakit...pedih...tp perlu ke? bertenanglah hati...

salah sendiri terlalu nak menjaga orang lain...salah sendiri bila rasa susah hati fikir orang lain, salah sendiri bila rasa teruk sgt bila hanya mampu lihat orang yg sy care buat stupid mistake over and over again...sy rasa useless...rasa marah...like, seriously u wanna do that???

ok, S just booked flight to Osaka this november..bersama tasha and her sister..well, are u serious???seriously tasha tu gonna pay u back??come on laaaaaaaaaaaaa....semalam sy baru terdengar S bergaduh dgn tasha dalam bilik masa sy smpai rumah..siap meraung2 bagai...and today, u booked flight for her too???

gosh!!!!!!!!how i wish i can feel nothing about this...how i wish i can just say, lantak kau la..how i wish that i dont want to care about you anymore...kenapa sy rasa begini? maybe sebab sy tau, if thing goes wrong, i am the one who going to clean up the mess...wahh..dan disaat2 begini, sy rasa seriously nak pindah jauh so i dont have to see u fall...damnnnn!!! and what, bila awk terjatuh kang, u lost all ur money to that girl, then what? u nak cakap sy ada lagi hutang? what? another 10k? another 200k??..sy ni kan memang cop duit kerja sy...kannnn....

So that i wont forget to get the stuff i bought for her before i left....u makan banyak2 ye malam ni...weeeeeee.....

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susah bila berurusan dgn hati dan perasaan ni...sy sebaik dan seboleh mungkin utk menjadi yg terbaik kepada semua orang dan cuba utk menjaga semua orang disekeliling sy..memastikan mereka tidak buat salah, memastikan mereka bahagia, menunaikan impian dan harapan mereka, memastikan sy sentiasa ada utk menyambut jika mereka terjatuh...agak beremosi hari ni..mungkin kerana puasa dan tidak cukup tidur...sy perlu lepas kan, rasa ni..spt ada yg tak kena..perasaan sy yg tak cukup 100% utk menikmati..what's holding me back? i dont know...sy rasa seperti sy tiada di sini..hati sy bukan disini...

terlalu banyak perkara berlaku serentak..yang mendukacitakan sehingga buat sy terduduk, juga yg menggembirakan sehingga buat sy tersenyum tanpa sedar..tp bila dua2 ni atas sebab yg berbeza, sy rasa hati sy terkeliru..keliru sama ada utk ketawa atau menangis..kerana kedua2 nye berlaku serentak..rasa gembira itu tidak menenangkan rasa duka..cuma mengalih perhatian sahaja supaya menahan air mata...

sy cuma manusia biasa..sy tak kuat...kenapa orang yg buat sy gembira sekarang ni bukanlah orang yg sepatutnya buat sy tersenyum...tak kasihankah dgn sy?..lupakah janji pada sy?

sy selalunya tak ingat dgn detail pada sesuatu kejadian..apa warna baju, bagaimana rupa orang itu, etc etc..sy cuma ingat apa rasa sy ketika itu..dan sy masih ingat rasa selamat, rs disayangi, rs dilindungi, rs diuruskan..dan yg penting..rasa tidur dgn lena...sy masih ingat lagi itu..walaupun dah bertahun sy hilang rasa itu...mungkin sebab sy dah lama tak tidur lena, sy kurang ada hati utk apa sahaja...hati sy dah hilang...

Sedikit hati tercalar...yg bukan hak tetap akan jadi bukan hak...u hv made ur own choice so dont question mine...i am a part of family? family come first? Bullshit...u wait until ur mom knows the truth about u leaving me on 1st day puasa...i will make it as pain as it could be for u...

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malam pertama..

malam ni will be the official night tidur di rumah baru..walaupun terasa ala2 korea tidur beralaskan tilam nipis tanpa katil empuk dan tilam berinci2, tp actually, deep inside..damn...am sleeping in my own home.....terasa bahagia di situ..

hari ni cuma bawak harta benda yng muat masuk dalam satu kereta sahaja...kereta pun agak cumel kan, so kuantiti dan saiz barang2 yang dibawa juga adalah limited...rumah ni kiranya dah siap about 70%..tinggal sikit, especially kitchen cabinet saje lagi yang tak buat lagi dan rak2 bagai serta wardrobe utk menyimpan semua bagai perkakasan..plannye insyaAllah by end of this month or paling lewat sebelum raya dah boleh rasa rumah ni lengkap utk didiami..bilik tidur saya pun agak la hinanye...cuma ada grill sahaja...langsir sumer takde lagi..terasa agak naked disitu..nasib baik jiran tetangga depan rumah takde lagi..

by right, hujung mgu depan ni sy janji dgn lori utk angkat the remaining harta benda yg tak seberapa tu dari rumah lama...barang2 besar like sofa, katil, almari baju..dan juge bag2 dan luggage2 berisi baju yang tak pakai2..serta buku2 zaman muda remaja bergelar student dulu..tak tau la..rasa cam nak beli katil baru...well, fresh start la katakan...sofa sy tu pun S suruh hantar ke rumah lama kitorang (skang disewakan)..sebab kat sini dah ada sofa..tak tau pulak nak campak mana kang...td ke jusco cheras selatan...ade la pulak show promosi katil+tilam..agak bernafsu disitu...

well, tak tau lagi nak buat apa kat bilik ni...oh, sy dapat master bedroom..mmg mati2 sy ckp dgn S yg sy mmg nak bilik ni..so agak la luas kan bilik ni with extra space khas utk buat wardrobe...tp tak decide lagi..temanye, kalernya, coraknye...most likely tampal wallpaper sahaje instead of nak cat..the main thing now is nak tema kaler apa? haihhhh...

dgn rasa fefeeling happy and excited nak tido rumah baru, juga berdoa supaya esok trafik adalah baik hati...berdebar rasanye nak menempuh jem yg diramalkan maha hebat...haihhh...semoga semuanya ok...well, at least sy tau yg i will be okay... :)

was chatting with her when suddenly we talk about what we have now...and she said, this is what we have:

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

notes sebelum pergi outstation...

well, semalam last day bertraining...ada test before i can proceed to level 2..then i realised that banyak benda pasal banking ni yg sy tak tau..that made me doubt my future plan to stay in banking line..ermmm...then? jadi akauntan kah?cita2 sejak dulu mau ada huruf2 capital letter di hujung nama sendiri..tp mengeluh saja la skang ni sebab tiada keazaman nak sambung professional..if only ada sponsors then sy boleh buat full time and probably boleh la abiskan all the 5 papers in one year..haihhh...

so, kejap lagi nak bertolak ke kuantan...actually the meeting tomorrow kat gambang je..tp sambil menyelam dan minum air, we booked hotel in swiss garden, which further up from kuantan..haha...bile lagi kan nak utilise keistimewaan...

ermm...rasanya mcm byk nak citer...tp sebab banyak sangat, tak tau dah camne nak tulis..anyway, seminggu dua ni sy happy kot..minggu2 yang drama-free... and, yes...thanks to you...you know who u are... :)

ok, baru abis training for the day...esok another full day training...mcm nak giler bila dalam training tapi fikiran kat kerja...taking a break sekejap sebelum berhempas pulas menyiapkan kerja..oh, the training is about international trade finance..mainly discussing about trading instruments and methodology..also about all the standards and acts governing these instruments..i say it's very interesting and boring at the same time..yela, ade ke giler ko nak go through all the standards...teringat waktu muda2 dulu bergelumang with accounting and auditing standards...

agak letih juga kerana masih terkejar2 dgn kerja...tghari tadi S datang nak lunch sama kekononnya, but i stuck dgn training and sy terpaksa ke bank negara again...well, tak main la g maybank ke hape ke kan...g bank negara terus!!haha...actually tujuan S datang sebab nak pass rendang ayam mak die...her sister balik kampung so her mom cooked this rendang for me..then akhirnya berjaya juga selesaikan urusan dgn bank negara then makan rendang dalam kereta sahaja...i think dat was the BEST lunch ever!!!!

rabu ni i'll be going to Gambang, Pahang for a meeting and a visit to the project site..bermalam di kuantan la semalam..sudah terbayang sata and celup2 tepung sumer..nyum nyum nyum...and this weekend, puasa insyaAllah...most likely sy sambut sorang2 aje la kat KL sebab tak larat kot nak drive back to Johor again..boo and mama confirm la balik kampung..but well, bukannye sy tak biasa pun camni...dan yang pasti weekend ni sy perlu start packing barang2 utk pindah..janji dgn lori hujung bulan ni..adeeiii...bulan puasa la kan nak pindah randah..takpe...semuanya utk yg terbaik..usaha lebih sikit aje..

well, last weekend was awesome..thanks to my new friend...kerana meneman sy berceritera..dan juga meneman sy utk ritual patah hati di pantai...at first we thot takde sunset sebab awan sangat banyak...then we just put on no expectation dan saje melepak..and suddenly this one appears:

sangat indah....and evening that worth to be remembered... :) ok, mari sambung kerja..

jumaat...

it was a long week...full of excitement..termasuklah kene tibai dalam board meeting..well, lunch tadi sy kene ke bank negara, which like 10 minutes away from my office..sebab jumaat kan, so sy ajak sherin, my colleague, pastu fan nak ikut sama (ye, fan ponteng solat jumaat)..so sherin drove her car sebab kete die dapat park kat basement office je...

jalan adelah jem diluar batasan...10 minutes jadi sejam lebih, sampai depan bank negara, tersalah amik jalan then no turning back..like crap!!!!!so sy cancelled aje la ke bank negara...hampeh betul..then sherin nak makan nasi daun pisang..terus la ke bangsar..ape ntah nama kedai tu..

we had this..

awesome kan...

then siap makan terus balik..jalan adalah jem..ntah kenapa satu KL ni rasanye sesak..semua jalan ntah hape2 sesaknya...then sampai Jln Ipoh, sherin tukar lane yg clear n speed up..suddenly ade teksi from the other lane immediately masuk our lane...sy dah siap2 menjerit dah dalam kete, sherin hit the brake.. sy boleh agak memang tak sempat berhenti, then she pull the steering wheel to the left...and the car stop like few inches from the taxi.....taxi tu dgn selamba terus drive pergi...hampeh...menggigil semua satu kete... tp ok la, semuanya selamat..

cis2...oh, hari ni kan jumaat...my official extreme buzz coffee day...every friday, sy n my colleague, tse khim will go to get this coffee...tp sebab jem yg terlampau, tak jadi..so hari ni...dah pukul 5.30pm....SY TAK DAPAT LAGI EVEN A SINGLE DROP OF COFFFFFEEEEEEEE!!!! damnnn...

pagi tadi present paper to the board..

meeting 10.30am..overlsept, 830 baru tersedar..nasib baik dah iron baju...9.30 baru sampai ofis..shit, lambat...asked hafizul to make me my morning coffee...ade ke gila nak bertempur dgn directors tanpa morning coffee..

tak sampai 3 minit, baru kat 1st slide, dah kene tembak...non-stop...sampai tercungap2 nak explain...3 directors, one svp, one vp. menyerang tanpa henti...terkulat2 sy nak menjawab...bos kecik yg baru, duduk belakang sy diam mendengar, bos sy dan boss kepada boss sy cuba tolong...i appreciate that...tapi bile one of the directors point out the term sheet is not reflective, my vp jadi down giler..right away director itu menyekolahkan sy...and it was a horrible few minutes of silent moment..fuck...sy lupa nak update...bila mereka start tanya on the technical part of the project, i was thankful our consultant, kenneth, sanggup drop by office to join the meeting eventho dia on leave..selamat saye...thanks kenneth..nnti i belanje u rokok sebatang...

dan mereka tanya pula pasal financial..sy terkedu...i knew the answer, but somehow mcm tak terlintas..atau sy memang terlupa..shit fuck...sy cuma diam...boss tengok sy diam terkedu sama...rasa mcm nak pitam pun ade...

anyway, it got approved..with additional terms and condition..and the amount kene cut...sighhhh...

then habis meeting, seperti biasa la..kene panggil boss...post mortem...kata2 bos yang menusuk kalbu,

"mcm mana u tak boleh jawab financial question..bukan ke u auditor?"

sy terus tertunduk..kaku habis...

boss cakap pula, takpela..take this as point of improvement...ur next paper i foresee it will be as complicated as this...be ready...

lemah longlai terasa...now, drafting letter of offer..next step, is to convince and sell it to my customer...memerlukan teknik mulut manis tahap dewa...

ini adalah video dia yang pertama sy dengar...dan sy jatuh hati... :))

serious shit i missed carmen...my cursing partner...the only person can understand the caci maki language...kerana sekarang ini teringin mencaci maki tanpa henti..walapun adelah tidak bersesuaian dgn office attire hari ni yg kelihatan agak sopan, tapi aku nak memaki jugak!!!!

akhirnya hari ni sy crashed juga...maybe sebab terlalu penat, dan stress dgn kerja yg sgt menyeksakan, dan diri pun jadi seperti tak sihat...at last petang tadi ponstan juga yg berkesan...fan yg tengok sy mcm nk tertonggeng sakit kepala, took my car key and asked where i keep the ponstan..then he went to get it...wahhh...am so touched...then my other colleague, tse khim, took me to my fav coffee shop and bought me my fav coffee...touched times two, okay...then after the coffee, my heart started to jump like mad..the combination of pain killer and a strong coffee is NO GOOD!! then i puked....sighhhh...

i came back home, super tired, and sambung buat kerja...super duper tired...havent eaten anything sebab still rasa cam loya..then my friend, send me something..

she said, this is little isma swimming....

no matter how crap my day was, but this one made my entire week!!!BIIIIGGGG HHHUUUGGGSSS for youuuu!!!!! this one taching tahap dewa okayyyy!!!

ye, benar...kadang2 tu memang rasa...sangat rasa...rasa penat utk bertabah...penat utk rasa kuat...

i think since last saturday, i dah drove more than 1000 km..rase nak pengsan...non-stop..now in the office catching up with work yg berlambak2...esok pagi ade meeting di PJ, lusa ade board presentation, mgu depan isnin n selasa ade course, khamis ke gambang...ok, sy nak pengsan kejap...

sejak pagi tadi sakit kepala..dah minum coffee, and took panadol..dan skang still sakit kepala lagi...ponstan dalm kete...jauhnya rase nak jalan ke kereta...sy cuma nak berbaring and letak cool fever kat kepala, dan tidur..wahh...sangat letihhh...